Lost in Thoughts…

December 3, 2007

Breaking-up – Even when you don’t wanna

Filed under: Relationship — Confused Desi @ 3:43 am

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 months; It’s not very long, in-fact very short, but its really very long by Indian standard – especially since I have reached the age of a spinster (according to my aunt), its 25 in case you are wondering.

We met around 10 months ago, at work [kinda], we were good friends for some time, I think we both wanted something more but I was reluctant as he is Chinese and 2 years younger than me, and I am Indian. Indians don’t really date non-Indians, especially my type of Indians. My dad tells me, on daily basis, how important it is to be with some Indian and my mum has this famous making you feel guilty techniques; Against my better judgment, I went with it. I knew it would never work, but my bf was so sure, He said we would never know until we try.

Everything is going great, except I am always scared that my parents will find out through someone else and they will flip. It’s something to do with disappointing them, loosing their trust, and if the words gets out, then social disgrace for them [as Indians are famous at gossiping and its a complete no-no to do something which is not acceptable].

So, few weeks back I shared my concerns with him and told him lets just break up before this turns nasty; I told him that Indians work differently, for us marriage is first and I don’t want to push him in a corner and force him into something, which he will regret later (According to my friend I am already doing that). A lot of tears were shed (all mine) and he reassured me that this is what he wants and that he willing to take the next step. He is ready for it, and since then he keeps talking about future – as in implying of our future together, mention of marriage and kids etc.

I went to meet my parents, and again my dad told me that don’t get involved with Chinese – they don’t know but he kind of suspects. So, i shared this with my bf and he suggested that I should let my parents know. So, I explained to him (again for the 20th time) that if I tell my parents they would want us to get married. [My parents believe in arranged marriage] and he said “Well, we will get engaged and tell them we will get married by the time you are 30, at least till I am 25”, 30! 30! thats 5 years.

All those explanations about my culture, and then he expects me to wait till 30. How long does he expect me to lie to my parents. So, now we are at a stage when I want to get married soon and he don’t. I don’t know what to do. I totally understand that he is very young (although he is really very mature, he is more mature than most 30 years), but I cant keep lying to my parents and I really can’t wait till 30. Or rather, I am not sure if I want to.

It’s heartbreaking and I don’t know how to break up (this will be the 3rd time in 3 weeks), My friend tells me that instead of pressurizing him, I should manipulate him. I just want to move on and get a hold of my life. I just wish I had never started this, I just wish that he was older. I read this article, which said

“I’ve read that men marry at the right time and will make any woman the right woman when the time comes. Women marry the right guy, and will make any time the right time when the right guy comes.”

I am going to talk to him tonight and hopefully I end up breaking up with him rather than pushing him into a corner. I don’t want to break up 😦 I want him to say that he WANTS to get married, I want him to WANT to propose to me. 😦  I was hoping to do it over a mail of SMS – I always end up crying, don’t know whats wrong with me! – but he joined a new job and I guess that would be veryyyy wrong.

So good luck to me and if you happen to read this overly long story, do post your comments – good or bad!

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